Geez, it’s been too long…
I think it’s time I just write this on a more regular basis. I know I definitely have some pent-up feelings that aren’t getting the attention they deserve, and I miss the cathartic release my old blog used to bring me. I have tried several outlets but nothing seems to satisfy as much as plain old daily blogging.
Well, it’s the eve of July fourth, the rain has paused for the night, my daughter has stolen my Cheetos and I’m sitting here in my comfy PJs , trying to avoid the late evening hour’s call to sleep so I can tell you about the last few week’s events. Certainly there’s plenty to tell, and I must admit even some hesitation at some of the details. Still, I’m finding that I tire most of not being able to share what’s really on my mind. I don’t want to feel like that. I’m pretty sure that contributes to a lot of the issues I’m currently having.
To begin, my son is in California, enjoying several weeks of summer vacation with his aunt and uncle. Another week-and-a-half of quiet time before he returns and I still have so much work to do on his room. I feel bad that it’s not done though I know I can complete the work in time. Lately the hard part has been all this rain…can’t keep up painting work in the rain. He calls me nearly everyday and tells me about the fun he’s having, though I can understand barely 60% of his speech and much of it seems to be about video games. I get lost talking to him but I love him. I’ll be glad when he comes home.
My daughter is asleep a few feet from me, her peaceful form contrary to the screaming demon child that was so mad at me a few hours earlier. I’m still not sure why she was mad, or why she gets mad on the occasions when it happens following a nap. She wakes up, screams at me for 30 minutes, chills out, then seems perfectly happy. The time we spent eating dinner together was pleasant, happy, and our fingers were coated in orange residue that she made a show of licking off. She’s been talking a lot more, her vocabulary ever expanding, and I know soon she’ll be ‘crossing over’ into the stage that comes right before kindergarten where the baby-noises stop. This realization brings me mixed emotions, and I keep reminding myself to take more video of her while I can. This reminds me that she knocked the video camera off the top shelf a week ago and it took a pretty hard tumble. I hope it still works.
Speaking of things that work, I still do…and far too much. Okay, now, just talking about my job is such a complicated subject that I actually had to pause and quietly count to five just to not be overwhelmed by the subject and simply pull the typing equivalent of a complete mental shutdown, which looks something like this: [dfskjdfkj dfjd;/fsj/;ds dl;kdl;klksd;/dleawercmn df;ljkds dfl;kd d;’lkdffp d;lkdeo mcvndkieor3poerkke ] though I bet it has the letter ‘A’ and ‘R’ in it a lot more. Yeah, something about the head hitting the keyboard and banging repeatedly. That’s how I feel anyway…and it turns out I’m not the only one. I was talking to one of my coworkers today who I’ve noticed has become increasingly depressed and they expressed the words that I’ve been feeling for some time. I could hear it in their voice. They didn’t want to be there. They said so. It wasn’t like they just didn’t want to work the day before the Fourth of July…they wanted to quit their job. I knew exactly how they felt. Some days I have actually cried before going to work, simply because I’m overwhelmed with the negative feelings I have about my job and a few key individuals. Still, I go in.
It’s weird that you grow up believing that the people around you will also….and there are some that truly do. But some don’t, and when they’re in a position that they can hurt your feelings, harm your career, alter your lifepath…you really need to find a solution to the issue BEFORE it becomes a lasting factor in any of these routines. I say this because I’ve allowed people like this to affect my feelings, my career, my lifepath, for years now…and I’m suffering for it.
Let me start out with my career. Okay, so it’s nothing glamorous but it is the job that pays my bills. For the last 8.5 years one person has created so many ill feelings, created so much tension, and been the cause of so many complaints that my daily outlook towards my work environment has become so low I would rather empty bedpans for old people simply because the occasional shit I came across would be more easily tolerated. [wow] Yeah, I said that. I’ve been putting up with some pretty harsh BS, the kind of poo that makes junior high taunting and bullying seem like a cakewalk, especially since that really only lasted a year-and-a-half.
I don’t want to create any misconceptions here. I still work very hard, and I am faster than I ever was when I started working there. It’s not the work itself or even the place I work that I have any real issue with, it’s just a couple select individuals and the efforts they’ve gone to in making sure I’m humiliated, hurt, or “put in my place.” Generally I thought I left that type of behavior back in junior high, far in the past where it could never reach me again. Apparently I gave some people too much credit. That’s a lot of time I wish I could have back.
[long pause to stretch my legs and shut my eyes]
I’m also finding issue among my friends, or people who I’ve come to know as friendly yet display their true nature behind my back where those who are my friends occasionally run across it, finding it distasteful. I know, that doesn’t make any sense….let me explain. I’m a moderator on a message board, a board which has been long plagued with drama and is frequented by a number of people who remain very bitter over past issues. As a mod I’m often in the position of having to resolve controversial arguments and drama in threads, a position that frequently makes me a target. I’ve made a few mistakes along the way though I’ve owned up to them and all have been minor and short-lived as issues. Strangely enough, the things people find most upsetting are the times I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. [ Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? ]
A friend of mine sent me some posts via e-mail from another forum that detail why people are upset. A while back I had to ban someone. It turns out they got upset because they felt I should have also banned someone else at the same time. They created a whole thread on this other forum ranting that it was only fair that if I banned one person then the other person should be banned also. Some circumstantial evidence led them to believe the other individual was around and for that they were upset with me. Funny thing…I banned both people at the same time for the same duration. One was just so upset about the whole situation and was so sure that I was giving preferential treatment to someone else that they never bothered to actually find out the facts or ask me or the other person. To this day they still believe they were banned unfairly, despite evidence to the contrary.
A more recent incident occurred just the other day. A whole bunch of forum members have been complaining that they have to wait 60 seconds between posts, a feature called “Flood Control” designed to prevent spam bots from filling the board with posts. Everyone has added some form of complaint to the signature line of their posts and now the board feels like a center for activism rather than a message forum. Well, one member took it upon themselves to post in a number of threads the warning message that appears when a member encounters flood control, in effect a form of spam or thread hijacking. These “useless posts” were rapidly filling every thread. I deleted the posts. The member also created a number of threads with normal topic titles but the only content was that same warning message about Flood Control. These threads I also deleted. Still the member continued to post this same message despite my removal of these posts so I placed them on Moderator Preview, a status that keeps their posts from immediately being visible to other board members. The posts stopped.
Some time later the same member posted a message about me being a censor nazi. Shortly after that a different member with the same I.P. address posted a message for me to eat a bag of dicks. I gave them a 30-day suspension and shared the posts with the other moderators on the board. They were all in agreement with my actions.
Later in the day the member I put on moderator preview (recall the same person) posted a few more messages that only moderators could see with more suggestions for me. I moved those with the others and let the other mods know I was still being targeted. They suggested I ban the jerk. I haven’t yet.
Still later on (after I leave work)I receive mail detailing several posts of people who feel my actions were out of line and that I’m abusing my power. I was shocked that anyone could perceive the posts and subsequent actions that way. Someone else acts up, gets in trouble for it, and people blame me? Huh? I still don’t get it. I assume it’s because people like that member and because I’m “controversial” in nature. I’m still trying to figure out why the person I banned did what they did. They seemed pretty cool when I met them once. Why are they acting like a brat now?
Well, if that was all, it wouldn’t seem so bad…but the message I received didn’t stop there. It also included a few posts by people making derogatory comments about me and who I am, what I am. I have to say, it did hurt…not the words themselves…you know, sticks and stones, and all….but the fact that these people will smile at me and talk to my face and then say some pretty harsh shit behind my back. I want to ask them, “Is this really who you are? Is this really the value system you believe in? Is this what you’ve grown up to become?” I won’t. There’s no need.
I won’t claim to be any better than those I take issue with. I know I have faults. I know I am lacking in many ways. I know there are times when I make people hurt. I also know that I think about how I affect people, how my actions or words affect others, and how my deficiencies cause others to pull extra weight. I wonder if these people do the same. I read their words and it certainly doesn’t feel like it.
It’s really late and I need sleep. I do feel like I unloaded a few of the things I needed to, shed some of those heavy thoughts. Reality can be pretty heavy at times. I’d just like to carry around a little less of it.