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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in melanieb_tx's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 4th, 2007
11:41 pm
Pop goes the...

Okay, the fireworks are over, the people have left the park, and all that’s left is the teens shooting rockets down the street and some yummy peach cobbler in the fridge. Hmmm…must mean it’s time to avoid going to bed at a decent time and instead writing another blog entry.

I hope everyone out there had a great holiday. I know I enjoyed my day, low-key though it was. I invited family over to eat super yummy Melanie-burgers, homemade fries, and some really tasty Texas Hill Country peach cobbler (according to the recipe I found). To my surprise I actually had to force myself to finish my meal, not because it didn’t taste ‘effing amazing (it did) but because I simply felt full way early in the meal. Somehow I managed to cram all that yummy food into my stomach and I know I’ll be paying for it the next couple days. Of course that goes for everyone in attendance who, thankfully, actually found my fries to be quite good. I must say I was nervous…I’ve never made them before and this was a slightly different recipe from most, with quite a few steps involved and critical timing in the cooking process. Overall a great meal for the 4th!

I’m actually pretty wiped after being up late last night and all the work today so I think I’ll just go ahead and crash out. I had considered writing about how awful it is that I can’t watch Teletubbies with my daughter without turning every other comment or scene into something obscene. I’d also considered writing about how baffling it was that I’m now told I’m being judged harshly because certain people think I hang out too much with someone I almost never even talk to. Yeah, I’d given some thought to discussing both of those topics…but I really would rather just get some sleep. I know that having a holiday in the middle of the week is going to ‘eff up my body clock and I do have plenty to handle tomorrow in the office ( stupid Downtown Master Tunnel project ).

Wow….sure are a lot of fireworks going off outside.

4:02 am
Really? Seriously?

Geez, it’s been too long…

I think it’s time I just write this on a more regular basis. I know I definitely have some pent-up feelings that aren’t getting the attention they deserve, and I miss the cathartic release my old blog used to bring me. I have tried several outlets but nothing seems to satisfy as much as plain old daily blogging.

Well, it’s the eve of July fourth, the rain has paused for the night, my daughter has stolen my Cheetos and I’m sitting here in my comfy PJs , trying to avoid the late evening hour’s call to sleep so I can tell you about the last few week’s events. Certainly there’s plenty to tell, and I must admit even some hesitation at some of the details. Still, I’m finding that I tire most of not being able to share what’s really on my mind. I don’t want to feel like that. I’m pretty sure that contributes to a lot of the issues I’m currently having.

To begin, my son is in California, enjoying several weeks of summer vacation with his aunt and uncle. Another week-and-a-half of quiet time before he returns and I still have so much work to do on his room. I feel bad that it’s not done though I know I can complete the work in time. Lately the hard part has been all this rain…can’t keep up painting work in the rain. He calls me nearly everyday and tells me about the fun he’s having, though I can understand barely 60% of his speech and much of it seems to be about video games. I get lost talking to him but I love him. I’ll be glad when he comes home.

My daughter is asleep a few feet from me, her peaceful form contrary to the screaming demon child that was so mad at me a few hours earlier. I’m still not sure why she was mad, or why she gets mad on the occasions when it happens following a nap. She wakes up, screams at me for 30 minutes, chills out, then seems perfectly happy. The time we spent eating dinner together was pleasant, happy, and our fingers were coated in orange residue that she made a show of licking off. She’s been talking a lot more, her vocabulary ever expanding, and I know soon she’ll be ‘crossing over’ into the stage that comes right before kindergarten where the baby-noises stop. This realization brings me mixed emotions, and I keep reminding myself to take more video of her while I can. This reminds me that she knocked the video camera off the top shelf a week ago and it took a pretty hard tumble. I hope it still works.

Speaking of things that work, I still do…and far too much. Okay, now, just talking about my job is such a complicated subject that I actually had to pause and quietly count to five just to not be overwhelmed by the subject and simply pull the typing equivalent of a complete mental shutdown, which looks something like this: [dfskjdfkj dfjd;/fsj/;ds dl;kdl;klksd;/dleawercmn df;ljkds dfl;kd d;’lkdffp d;lkdeo mcvndkieor3poerkke ] though I bet it has the letter ‘A’ and ‘R’ in it a lot more. Yeah, something about the head hitting the keyboard and banging repeatedly. That’s how I feel anyway…and it turns out I’m not the only one. I was talking to one of my coworkers today who I’ve noticed has become increasingly depressed and they expressed the words that I’ve been feeling for some time. I could hear it in their voice. They didn’t want to be there. They said so. It wasn’t like they just didn’t want to work the day before the Fourth of July…they wanted to quit their job. I knew exactly how they felt. Some days I have actually cried before going to work, simply because I’m overwhelmed with the negative feelings I have about my job and a few key individuals. Still, I go in.

It’s weird that you grow up believing that the people around you will also….and there are some that truly do. But some don’t, and when they’re in a position that they can hurt your feelings, harm your career, alter your lifepath…you really need to find a solution to the issue BEFORE it becomes a lasting factor in any of these routines. I say this because I’ve allowed people like this to affect my feelings, my career, my lifepath, for years now…and I’m suffering for it.

Let me start out with my career. Okay, so it’s nothing glamorous but it is the job that pays my bills. For the last 8.5 years one person has created so many ill feelings, created so much tension, and been the cause of so many complaints that my daily outlook towards my work environment has become so low I would rather empty bedpans for old people simply because the occasional shit I came across would be more easily tolerated. [wow] Yeah, I said that. I’ve been putting up with some pretty harsh BS, the kind of poo that makes junior high taunting and bullying seem like a cakewalk, especially since that really only lasted a year-and-a-half.

I don’t want to create any misconceptions here. I still work very hard, and I am faster than I ever was when I started working there. It’s not the work itself or even the place I work that I have any real issue with, it’s just a couple select individuals and the efforts they’ve gone to in making sure I’m humiliated, hurt, or “put in my place.” Generally I thought I left that type of behavior back in junior high, far in the past where it could never reach me again. Apparently I gave some people too much credit. That’s a lot of time I wish I could have back.

[long pause to stretch my legs and shut my eyes]

I’m also finding issue among my friends, or people who I’ve come to know as friendly yet display their true nature behind my back where those who are my friends occasionally run across it, finding it distasteful. I know, that doesn’t make any sense….let me explain. I’m a moderator on a message board, a board which has been long plagued with drama and is frequented by a number of people who remain very bitter over past issues. As a mod I’m often in the position of having to resolve controversial arguments and drama in threads, a position that frequently makes me a target. I’ve made a few mistakes along the way though I’ve owned up to them and all have been minor and short-lived as issues. Strangely enough, the things people find most upsetting are the times I’m doing exactly what I’m supposed to be doing. [ Whatchu talkin’ ‘bout, Willis? ]

A friend of mine sent me some posts via e-mail from another forum that detail why people are upset. A while back I had to ban someone. It turns out they got upset because they felt I should have also banned someone else at the same time. They created a whole thread on this other forum ranting that it was only fair that if I banned one person then the other person should be banned also. Some circumstantial evidence led them to believe the other individual was around and for that they were upset with me. Funny thing…I banned both people at the same time for the same duration. One was just so upset about the whole situation and was so sure that I was giving preferential treatment to someone else that they never bothered to actually find out the facts or ask me or the other person. To this day they still believe they were banned unfairly, despite evidence to the contrary.

A more recent incident occurred just the other day. A whole bunch of forum members have been complaining that they have to wait 60 seconds between posts, a feature called “Flood Control” designed to prevent spam bots from filling the board with posts. Everyone has added some form of complaint to the signature line of their posts and now the board feels like a center for activism rather than a message forum. Well, one member took it upon themselves to post in a number of threads the warning message that appears when a member encounters flood control, in effect a form of spam or thread hijacking. These “useless posts” were rapidly filling every thread. I deleted the posts. The member also created a number of threads with normal topic titles but the only content was that same warning message about Flood Control. These threads I also deleted. Still the member continued to post this same message despite my removal of these posts so I placed them on Moderator Preview, a status that keeps their posts from immediately being visible to other board members. The posts stopped.

Some time later the same member posted a message about me being a censor nazi. Shortly after that a different member with the same I.P. address posted a message for me to eat a bag of dicks. I gave them a 30-day suspension and shared the posts with the other moderators on the board. They were all in agreement with my actions.

Later in the day the member I put on moderator preview (recall the same person) posted a few more messages that only moderators could see with more suggestions for me. I moved those with the others and let the other mods know I was still being targeted. They suggested I ban the jerk. I haven’t yet.

Still later on (after I leave work)I receive mail detailing several posts of people who feel my actions were out of line and that I’m abusing my power. I was shocked that anyone could perceive the posts and subsequent actions that way. Someone else acts up, gets in trouble for it, and people blame me? Huh? I still don’t get it. I assume it’s because people like that member and because I’m “controversial” in nature. I’m still trying to figure out why the person I banned did what they did. They seemed pretty cool when I met them once. Why are they acting like a brat now?

Well, if that was all, it wouldn’t seem so bad…but the message I received didn’t stop there. It also included a few posts by people making derogatory comments about me and who I am, what I am. I have to say, it did hurt…not the words themselves…you know, sticks and stones, and all….but the fact that these people will smile at me and talk to my face and then say some pretty harsh shit behind my back. I want to ask them, “Is this really who you are? Is this really the value system you believe in? Is this what you’ve grown up to become?” I won’t. There’s no need.

I won’t claim to be any better than those I take issue with. I know I have faults. I know I am lacking in many ways. I know there are times when I make people hurt. I also know that I think about how I affect people, how my actions or words affect others, and how my deficiencies cause others to pull extra weight. I wonder if these people do the same. I read their words and it certainly doesn’t feel like it.

It’s really late and I need sleep. I do feel like I unloaded a few of the things I needed to, shed some of those heavy thoughts. Reality can be pretty heavy at times. I’d just like to carry around a little less of it.


Current Mood: sleepy
Wednesday, July 26th, 2006
4:22 pm
Simply me...
I haven't said anything here in a very long time...

Usually I posted all my life's events on my 360 page. Most of my active friends were on Yahoo, and that's simply where I stayed active.

Sadly, Yahoo recently saw fit, in their infinite wisdom, to delete my well-established profile, along with my 360 page, blog, contacts, Yahoo messenger, and all those friends that I've spent the last 18 months making. I'm still not sure what offense I'd committed, though after having given up on the issue I did receive a response from Yahoo saying that someone would get back to me on the matter. That was a 2nd level response, something I hadn't expected. We'll see. Not holding my breath still.

Well, I recently started fresh, created a new profile, started again, and have been reconnecting to my friends. I've also been seeking new ones. Nothing like a fresh start sometimes, though there are a lot of people I miss, and this 'transition' is causing nearly as many headaches as my other transition did in the beginning.

Speaking of transition, I must say, that seems to be the least of my issues these days. How did that happen? For someone who hasn't even had surgery and is still married in the same unstable relationship it's amazing that transition could fall to the backburner as a main trouble, but it has. I'll tell you about it but not today. I'm almost done with my work day, and I simply wanted to say hi and update my journal, let everyone know that I still exist.

If you are curious about who I am, or maybe who I was, drop by http://360.yahoo.com/centraltexasmelanie and you'll see my last entry from early this week. I actually have written several more entries this week also but haven't posted them because of an issue that I'm having with Flickr right now that I'm trying to resolve.

I know there are some interesting people here...I connected to you, and Erin used to always tell me how I should post more on LJ, and how LJ was her crack for so long. Well, maybe I'll post more often here...that is, if anyone would care to listen.

Would it help if I danced around in skimpy outfits and handed out cookies?


Current Mood: thoughtful
Wednesday, April 19th, 2006
4:02 pm
The sounds of sanity...
"We gonna drop this next bomb for a money-makin' player that ain't with us no more!"

"Yeah, Notorious B.I.G. "

"Hell no! We gonna do this for a gang-banging thug that never seen it coming!"

"Yeahhhh...Tupac Shakur..."

"No, bitch! I'm talking about mother-fuckin' Falco, and shit!"

"What?! Falco?!"

So I was listening to my Hooray For Boobies CD the other day and started thinking about music and what it does for us. Now, the Bloodhound Gang may not be the music-choice you'd make if you listen to one of those easy-listening adult comtemporary stations...but there are only so many artists that will sing the Ballad of Chaisy Lain (a porn star).

Music such as the hard sounds of the Bloodhound Gang or the band Tool, while grating or too dark for many actually tend to relax me. If I'm in traffic I find their rhythms calming, and I find myself more alert, more aware. Conversely, while listening to classical I sometimes find, if in particularly heavy traffic, that I may become more agitated and agressive. This isn't atypical...it's just not typical of women.

Honestly I love classical music...Mozart is one of my favorites, and the sounds of Tchaikovsky are what I was practically raised on. I will always love these artists for their musical contributions.

But somedays I need something harder...like Drowning Pool...or the Office Space soundtrack. Nothing gets the attention of the driver next to you better than jamming out to the sounds of the song STILL, whose chorus ends with the words "Die motherfucker, die motherfucker, still!" Yeah...that'll get you some looks...awesome song though.

I listen to all kinds of music and it affects how I feel and what I do. I find that Sting is great for doing housework, while 311 is good for being outside and having fun in the sun. Duran-Duran is good for being a dork of the eighties and Shakira is great for wanting to shop and feel sexy...good music to listen to before going into the Coach store and dropping $400 on a must-have purse.

Tom Jones isn't really good for anything except being groovy on a lazy Sunday morning.

My point is, music affects who we are,what we like to do...and helps enhance our outlook on each day.

I find that I like to have key music for certain times. Say I'm feeling adventurous...or like I'm on a quest...I'll pop in the Star Trek Astral Symphony and imagine that swells in the music are timed with key moments on the road.

Perhaps I'm feeling very girly...I'll put some Dido on and sing along, and feel the long notes that make her songs very appealing to me.

What I've always wanted, and I know I'll never have, is a personal soundtrack, an idea I've had for many years previous to seeing something similar on an episode of Family Guy. I think it would be great to have sound effects and a musical score for the daily routine, something to make life less mundane when performing tasks that would choke a badger.

Can you imagine me running with the effects of the Six Million Dollar Man (assuming you're old enough to remember who that is) and then turning into a store or cafe somewhere and a sound indicating surprise or wonder suddenly fills the area? It would of course be followed by dramatic music depending on what was before me...it would be awesome!

I doubt I'd want those effects during sexual intimacy but it might be nice to try every so often...

Anyway, music is everywhere, and while not all of us agree on what to listen to we all know that a world without music would be a world with a lot of unhappy people. Music is one of the best ways I can think of to brighten my day and make me feel alive...

...even when I'm alone and listening to the music of nature, surrounded by forest and the bounty of life.

Yeah...too metaphysical for this blog...don't mind me.

~melanie ( turning up the volume on Mr. Bungle )

Current Mood: relaxed
Friday, April 14th, 2006
3:53 pm
A glimpse of royalty.
*this is from my 360 blog at http://360.yahoo.com/tsaustinmgirl but I know a couple certain people who won't read it there so I repost this here for them. And you, of course.*

Did you ever see that movie that Disney made called Anastasia?

I did.

I remember thinking how neat it would be to find out you are royalty, to be found by chance and given the opportunity to be the heiress you always were.

Sure, I knew the movie was glorified but it still sounded cool. I adored the characters red hair, the Chanel dresses the character was portrayed with in Paris, and even the romantic side. Plus the bat was cool also.

I did a little research on Anastasia and found out the true story, or two versions of the true story...and both are fairly tragic. One has Anastasia being found in a grave near the site of her family's murder...and the other has her ending up in asylum, being treated for many debilitating conditions, and dying only to be perceived as a fraud. I don't know which is the correct version. Turns out the real Romanov curse wasn't necessarily Rasputin but hemophilia.

Well, for my purposes I better stick with the fairy tale version that Disney loves to make profits from. I really don't feel like despairing, though I find her real character just as interesting as the animated one. She was a very animated young woman, according to recounts.

I'm no princess, or Grand Duchess as Anastasia was, though a few people occasionally seem to confuse me with one, an affectionate term that I allow because I know they care about me. I wish I could achieve the image or the role that goes along with their assessment of my personal qualities. Their praise is kind, though probably overstated.

I think this image appeals to me because I spent the forming years of my childhood exposed to about 200 performances of The Nutcracker, my mom being a ballet teacher. I've always found the culture interesting, I'd love to be a beautiful and graceful princess, and I'd be very happy using my position to help people and bring some joys to as many people as I could. Does that sound like a princess from a few years back?

I'm not that much a heroine, nor will I ever be...but it'd be nice to try.

As a kid growing up I somehow knew there was a princess inside of me...or at least some mirror of one...but she was locked up and imprisoned just as much as HIH Anastasia was.

Today...I feel probably just as far from princess status as I did then...but the doors are open, nothing is locked up (save my heart), and I find people I know smiling at me more and treating me as if I deserved princess status...and I must admit it feels very nice.

I hope I can someday live up to the standards people seem to think I'm deserving of.


Current Mood: determined
3:48 pm
Is it that time already?
*This is actually a repost of my 360 blog from two days ago*

My how time flies.

I still remember well the days past when I was searching for terms such as ‘transsexual’, transgender, and male-to-female. I remember the hunts for information about hormones, places to buy them, regimens that worked or should be avoided. I remember the pages and pages that people had created on their personal sites that offered guidance to those about to start transition.

I remember how scared I was to take that first step.

These days I am very comfortable with myself, and I spend my time searching for a decent bathing suit, information on anime, or the latest book from my favorite authors. A look over my internet history would find several entries looking for recipes for homemade salsa and a query on cell phones. Recently I spent some time looking for a particular song I like that I would love to use as my ringtone.

Quite a change from this time two years ago.

The reason I mention this is because I am now two years on hormones. Two years ago I was searching for those terms I mentioned in the beginning paragraph. Two years ago I was a clean-cut guy who weighed ~220 pounds and had a goatee.

Happy anniversary to me! Is this cause for a celebration? Perhaps. I might have if I’d noticed earlier in the day that this was indeed my two year anniversary. Honestly, I started today like any other day. Well, not like I used to start my days as a guy…but normal for me now. It wasn’t until I started writing this blog that I noticed the date. Otherwise my normal activities gave me no clue that I had cause for celebration.

Today I found myself searching for movies on IMDB, makeup from Ulta and Sephora, and a visit to the Personique page asking questions about rhinoplasty. I’m still waiting on them to get back to me. Hardly what you’d expect for this date.

What I find interesting is that a lot has happened in the last two years…and I’m still far from where I want to be.

Don’t get me wrong…I’m far happier than I was…and much more comfortable with my body and my chemistry. The results have been wonderful, far better than I could have expected considering I started my transition at the age of 31 and nearly every page I read warned of how much harder it can be to transition after age 30. I think that was part of my urgency when I started, but not the major factor. Truth is I was just ready, and I finally had the information I needed.

Why, oh why, wasn’t the net widely available when I was 15??? Sigh…

Doesn’t matter now. I am doing well in my new body, and my life feels like I will have a good outcome despite the rocky months that have come and gone since spring of 2004. There were plenty of times I felt like giving up, giving in, or just quitting all existence even. I’m so glad I didn’t.

I still have a long way to go on my path. I am not as close as I’d like to be to certain goals but I’ve found that I’m doing okay despite that. Honestly, these days I am actually finding many reasons to smile, and perhaps a renewed hope for a better future. My mind seems more clear, my heart feels less heavy, and even my step is lighter, though I can probably attribute that to a lower intake of fat grams in my meals.

I wish I could say how my future is going to turn out. I have no map for this path, and despite taking the journey with many friends I still walk this path alone. I guess we all do. I am glad that when I get where I’m going there will be people waiting there to greet me and welcome me to…a place that I have only dreamed of.

Wherever that is it will just be a stop on a road that has no apparent ending. That’s fine…I like traveling.

I’ve shared quite a bit over the last 8 months with this blog…all sorts of personal information and revelations. I’ve shared ups and downs. I’ve shared the creation of who I am today.

Do you want to know who I am?

I am Melanie, a woman…and I am happy! I want tonight to reflect that.

So…how do I wrap up a long entry that was never intended to be long? With a song of course.

"Man! I Feel Like A Woman!"

I'm going out tonight-I'm feelin' alright
Gonna let it all hang out
Wanna make some noise-really raise my voice
Yeah, I wanna scream and shout
No inhibitions-make no conditions
Get a little outta line
I ain't gonna act politically correct
I only wanna have a good time

The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

The girls need a break-tonight we're gonna take
The chance to get out on the town
We don't need romance-we only wanna dance
We're gonna let our hair hang down

The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

The best thing about being a woman
Is the prerogative to have a little fun and...

Oh, oh, oh, go totally crazy-forget I'm a lady
Men's shirts-short skirts
Oh, oh, oh, really go wild-yeah, doin' it in style
Oh, oh, oh, get in the action-feel the attraction
Color my hair-do what I dare
Oh, oh, oh, I wanna be free-yeah, to feel the way I feel
Man! I feel like a woman!

I get totally crazy
Can you feel it
Come, come, come on baby
I feel like a woman

Well, something like that…


Current Mood: impressed
Monday, April 10th, 2006
5:09 pm
Leave 'em smiling...
Well, so much to report!

I met with my boss' boss on Friday...it was a good meeting.

I was sitting at my desk when the receptionist called me to tip me off that he was done with his meeting in the conference room...I suspect he was meeting with one of my coworkers. He headed my way and I met him in the hall. He approached and asked, "Excuse me, could you help me find ********(male name)." I replied, "Sure. No problem. " and smiled. I was starting to say something else when he finally relaized that he was talking to the person he wanted, despite not knowing beforehand that I had transitioned. I suspect he knew about me by getting a tip anyway but he still didn't recognize that the person he saw was who he was supposed to meet.

We shook, started talking, then I showed him the work room for all our production. We discussed some of the reports I handle and my functions and wandered back to my office. He started asking me if I wanted an ergonomic chair, a slide-table for my keyboard, stuff that would make my space more pleasant. Honestly, I didn't need any of it. Might like a new chair though.

After a couple minutes he suggested we talk in a place we wouldn't be interrupted by anyone looking for assistance. I suggested the conference room and we proceded there, closing the doors behind us.

Funny...right this moment I can't even remember his name...oh yeah...Tom...something or other...

Tom is a good guy, the kind you like to see in a management position. He has no BS to offer and speaks openly. He's kind, with an open mind, but is the type that clearly likes to get down to business. I was glad. I deal with those types better and more effectively. I hate subtle types that like to fuck around with emotional bull crap and headgames. Never make any progress with those types. Yeah, Tom was good at asking questions and we talked for about 100 minutes, long enough to make me an hour late going home. Admittedly we both lost track of time and there isn't a clock in the conference room so we had some excuse but I still didn't want to be there late. I'm just glad the meeting went well.

We talked a lot about my relationships with my coworkers. As much as I hate politics and gossip there were some things that were pertinent and I had to share, though occasionally I felt like I was betraying someone. I wasn't...I was just discussing the work environment. Still felt weird. He assured me that it was indeed work-related. I felt better.

After all that I walked him down the hall to the office of my first boss here (I've had 9 so far) whom he was supposed to go to dinner with, along with her husband and his wife. We chatted a bit and parted, shaking again and promising to talk more regularly. I felt good, and we both walked away smiling.

Just remembered his last name. I won't share it though. ;)

Well, that was Friday...wait, not all of it.

Later on I was having a phone conversation and the topic turned to illicit behavior of the misdemeanor kind. I forgot about some of it over the weekend but remembered today and thought I'd share the tale of the time I was in jail with a friend. I was sure I'd posted it in a previous blog so I went back to the beginning to search for it. Alas, I hadn't written it out. i have before but on another profile, long ago. I will have to write it out again.

Hey, at least you have something to look forward to. And you know my stories, it's bound to be interesting.


Current Mood: thirsty
Thursday, April 6th, 2006
2:51 pm
Um...what are you gonna do with that?
Yesterday I went to see my doctor for a physical...just an appointment to check my vitals, my goodies, and my blood. http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-F7ekOlMlaKcFmWaNefr1YkxquxEQ?p=839 for the accompanying picture.

I arrived on time and expected a wait but wasn't prepared for a long sitting as I usually get called in quickly. Alas, I not only had to be patient as the three arrivals previous to me were seen but also the 7 visitors after me that arrived over the next 30 minutes. I know, there are other doctors there also but it still is a pain to see everyone else called on before me.

Finally the door opened and my name wafted across the waiting room, still a pleasant sound to hear my full name spoken by someone other than those that know me. I was glad to not be stuck in the waiting room any longer.

My weight was taken, my height was measured and I was led into the usual room with the usual posters on the wall. This time there was a gown and a blanket on the exam table, though I figured I'd find out about that later.

The nurse asked me the usual questions about meds, my intake over the last twelve hours, and then checked my pulse and blood pressure. Incidentally, my pressure is 110/74. Yay!

After writing down the important stuff she told me to get into the gown. "Even my underwear?" I asked. "Yes." she replied and left the room closing the door softly.

Igh...I hate those gowns that tie in the back, but I obeyed and shed my pretty blue top, my khaki pants, my black bra and red panties (Satan's panties) and put the gown on. It's always just cold enough to be uncomfortable when wearing those gowns.

I busied myself by rereading every poster in the room...alcohol is bad...drugs are bad...cholesterol is bad...breats lumps are bad...smoking is bad...don't do stuff or you'll die...okay, it's not really that dramatic or preachy there but the messages are there if you lok for them. The room is actually quite comfy for an exam room.

Another long wait ended abruptly when my doctor poked her head in and said she had a student with her making the rounds, wondered if I would mind allowing her in. I consented and my doctor, full of smiles, came in and said hi before introducing me to the young woman with her, Ara, whose name she mispronounced.

We talked a bit about how everything was going and then she began the exam, peeked in all my head-holes, made me breathe a few times then laid me down to examine my breasts. Surprisingly I felt no awkwardness this time...it seemed normal. Almost expected. She asked me beforehand if I wanted the student to leave the room but I said I wasn't shy. I should hope she could handle it. Indeed, she was very nice.

Apparently my breasts were fine because my doctor sat me up and told me to stand...my blanket dropping to the floor. She put on rubber gloves causing me some minor anxiety and then held up the package that is displayed at the top of this blog...a pap-kit. Yeah...the nurse who had prepped the room for me had made a pap-kit ready and had even printed a label with my patient info on it, ready to be sent to a lab. This would have been funny since I haven't legally changed my name yet so the label had my 'guy name' on it, though all my patient files have Melanie attached to them.

I stared at it for a moment and said, "That's useless." and my doctor and I shared a look. "That's what you should expect now," she said, "you look very much like a woman." She smiled and I smiled back. She put the kit back down and then went ahead to check my danglies...yep, still there.

I sat back down, wishing the gown offered more upper leg protection from the cold exam-bed, also wishing I'd shaved my legs prior. Everything was good and we had time to chat for a bit. I told her how things were going with me and some other stuff and then she told me to go ahead and get dressed while she ordered my blood draws. I was glad to get rid of the gown. That thing must be designed for three-eyed, four-armed people...it's pretty difficult to get on. Comes off easy enough though. Before leaving I snapped a pic of the pap-kit using my camera phone.

Walked down the hall and signed in at the lab...sat down next to an older woman who was sharply dressed. She smiled at me and said my top was very pretty...an honest complement. I thanked her and read a magazine about the San Francisco earthquake of 1906.

Getting called in I got to chat with the phlebotomist for a bit. She was asking me if I'd already had the surgery, how things were going, she seemed to be quite interested. She complemented me on my appearance, said I looked very good, and yesterday I felt pretty good also. She stuck me and drew three vials...I barely noticed.

I left the office and headed to work, spent the whole day smiling and feeling pretty. I gotta say, that was one of the best times I've ever had visiting a doctor., especially when blood and nudity was involved.

There...I shared. My main reason for writing was to tell about the kit they prepared for me. I thought about taking it but decided against it...should have. Being open they would have had to toss it anyway.

I hope tomorrow is as good a day as yesterday was. I'm sure I'll have a story to tell.

Catch you on Friday!


Current Mood: nerdy
Tuesday, April 4th, 2006
5:14 pm
My internal song...
I have been meaning to write this entry for a while…

I was watching Willy Wonka not too long ago…not the newer one directed by Tim Burton but the older one starring Gene Wilder as Willy Wonka. I know that the older one isn’t entirely true to the books by Roald Dahl that I grew up with but I figure most here are in the same age range and are probably more familiar with the older version anyway.

What caught my interest, and always has, is the song that Wonka sings to the children as he’s showing them his factory floor for the first time. It’s about the world of imagination. Remember this tune?

ARTIST: Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory
Music and lyrics: Leslie Bricusse and Anthony Newley
Come with me and you'll be
In a world of pure imagination
Take a look and you'll see
Into your imagination

We'll begin with a spin
Trav'ling in the world of my creation
What we'll see will defy

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

When I was a kid I always wanted to be a million different things. I dreamed of being a teacher, an astronaut, a policeman, a park ranger, a chemist, a pilot, a hero, a superhero, a leader, an executive, a writer, a billionaire, a circus performer, an actor, a dancer, an artist, an athlete, a musician, a surgeon, an astronomer, a veterinarian, a photographer, a chef, and a parent. There are more things I’ve considered being but I won’t bore you with the list. What I find interesting about all this, and the connection with that song, is that through it all I wanted to be a woman…and often imagined myself being magically transformed into one, either by wish upon a star or some benevolent higher power.

Well, wishes rarely come true…

Or so I thought. However, now I realize that all that time I spent wishing and living in the world of imagination I was preparing myself mentally for a world of possibilities, a world where wishes came true if I wanted them to…because I made them happen by my own hand.

I now know I am a woman…because I always was from the start. I just needed to make my eyes see it.

I’m also all those things I wanted to be…a painter, a writer, a photographer, a surgeon, a policeman(or woman), an actor, a dancer, a chef…you get the idea. I’m not a billionaire if you count my dollars but I am quite wealthy in many other arenas. I’m all those things in some way, in some aspect of my daily life.

As a child I used to tell my friends wonderful stories, detailed stories, about things I did or wanted to do. All were made up but my friends often believed them because I was so good with the details. I spent so much time in my world of imagination that sometimes it was all I had. My parents divorced when I was young, I was often alone…and my mind was active far beyond those around me. My imagination set me free from a host of troubles that came along with that life and my all-too-early comprehension of the world of adults.

This isn’t to say I had an unhealthy grasp of the world around me…far from it. I’ve always been well grounded…I had to be…and yet, my mind was capable of all sorts of flights of fancy, the stars as familiar to me as they are to astronomers, just more interesting in my mind than through the eyepiece of a vast telescope.

Those wondrous thoughts still fill my head all the time…I just don’t have many people to share them with…an audience, if you will. That’s where you come in. I share my thoughts here in some limited fashion though I have yet to unleash even five percent of the stuff I contemplate or dream of.

My world of imagination grew up…but didn’t disappear. I know more about what’s possible, and what isn’t…but I’m also able to have bigger ‘what-ifs’ than I did when I was a kid.

One thing is sure about all this dreaming...I took a wish, a dream that I’ve had since I was five, and set it into motion. I took what I had and made a wish…and by my own hand it is coming true…a new reality from the world of imagination.

And I’m happy.

I’m still working on that wish…it takes time…but I have a feeling that it will be seen to its full fruition. Sometimes I think I am living in the world of imagination…and it’s way better than the intangible dreams I could never grasp.

If you want to view paradise
Simply look around and view it
Anything you want to, do it
Want to change the world, there's nothing to it

There is no life I know
To compare with pure imagination
Living there, you'll be free
If you truly wish to be

Yeah, it really is like that.

~melanie {singing}

the pic that goes with this is located at http://blog.360.yahoo.com/blog-F7ekOlMlaKcFmWaNefr1YkxquxEQ?p=835

Current Mood: artistic
Monday, April 3rd, 2006
4:59 pm
The stranger...
I've been really busy lately...

Yeah, I know, excuses, excuses, but there are good reasons and I have real motives for getting a lot done right now.

Strangely enough, the least of those motives is an impending visit by my bosses boss this Friday. He called me personally and said he'd love to meet me.

What makes this interesting is that he will be coming from California, from HQ, to visit. He's not coming to see me, I'm just an incidental along the way. The reason this is interesting is that I never told anyone in California about my transition.

Sure, you'd think they'd figure it out from the feminine voice when I answer my phone...they always ask for me by my given name, which I plan on changing this spring...and they do not realize it's me when I answer. You'd think that would make 'em wonder...but no one has asked, and since I have never even met my boss from California I found no reason to discuss it until I submitted the name change form to HR and it came across her desk in some format.

That's one of the things I like about this company...with a HQ in California the company guidelines are set out there using standards that a lot of the rest of the country doesn't live up to. Policies for non-discrimination across the company are quite broad and comprehensive and include gender-orientation.

But anyway, I asked one of the women in my office who knows this visitor and she says he's a great guy, and much smarter than my boss.

I like him already.

Otherwise I'm trying to get a lot in order here but stories about that will come later.

I have a complete physical on Wednesday morning...hopefully I'll have good news to report. If I don't, well, I'll be sure and whine and complain and make life surrounding me generally miserable. ;)

In the meantime, I added a new pic to my photostream. I was full after a big lunch though so I look a little chubby. I'll just have to swallow my pride and do a few more situps. http://www.flickr.com/photos/90472241@N00/

Catch ya later!


Current Mood: curious
Wednesday, March 22nd, 2006
3:36 pm
Okay…so I thought about it…and debated long and hard on this, getting a lot of perspective from people I know and care for…and decided that I would show the picture of me prior to transition.

However, since a lot of people would rather not know or don’t feel any need, I decided to make it viewable to ‘Friends Only’. I already listed a few ID’s that can see it…if you can see the album you’re already listed. You must be signed in to Yahoo to see this picture.

http://photos.yahoo.com/tsaustinmgirl and the album titled simply ‘2006-03-22’.

If you’re not listed already but would like to be considered, please send me a message at tsaustinmgirl@yahoo.com and I’ll put your I.D. up for review. If viewing my 360 page click the reply link to the blast at the top of my homepage. http://360.yahoo.com/tsaustinmgirl

For those that can see it already, or I decide to add your ID to the list, the following text applies to you. Otherwise, why not visit http://www.despair.com for other inspiring images.

BTW, that can of green beans, along with some seasonings, was my lunch today. It was good.

Like the car? The dealer took it at the time of delivery.

Except that I was heavier, that’s how I looked prior to starting hormones.

I was 28 in that picture. I started my transition right after I turned 31.

Compare it to the picture in the next blog entry…look like me?

So, just in case you were wondering…the transition is possible.

If you don’t like it…oh well…there’s no looking back. ;D


Current Mood: excited
3:34 pm
Picture this...
I found myself on someone's picture page today...oddly surreal.

I had opened Messenger and was doing my usual bit of rejecting 98% of the people who try to add me and I came across one that had my picture in an album on their photos page. Amazingly, I knew quite a few of the girls in the album...apparently the guy likes women of all types.

He chatted with me earlier today, was making some silly comment about me ignoring him because he's white...don't think I've ever been accused of that before. Doesn't matter...I rejected him because he is just plain not my type, though he is free to believe whatever he wants.

Anyway, in case you're interested, or a female friend of mine, the link to his album is here: http://photos.yahoo.com/bubba_smith51 in the 'Ladys' album.

Last night I had a dream that I was still working at Trimble Navigation, a GPS company, and that the layout was very tense. There were a lot of LCD screens showing various computer stuff, much like The Matrix, without the green code. Trimble did have a lot of screens in reality but they were parts for GPS units and not powered most of the time. Anyway, suddenly 80% of the screens went crazy and displayed some malicious-looking image that I can only describe as a round rat with a cane, grinning like he had stolen all our cheese. The rest of the displays were fine and we all started scrambling to find the source of the cyber attack. We were thankful that we still had some systems unaffected and were starting to make progress when those were affected as well. Everyone got upset and I left, heading outside the building which now looked like my current office, and there was a cat there, kind of like the Get Fuzzy cat, but cleaner appearing. It was my old Siamese cat, Bambi, from when I was young. She told me that she was the source of the malicious code that had affected our systems, and that it was nothing personal. I understood though I'm not sure why now. I guess I got distracted by the guy leaning in my rear car window trying to steal my minidiscs, a format of music playback that never had a chance. I got angry and removed the thief from my car but then spoke casually with him, noting that I was just paranoid because once-upon-a-time a guy at a carwash had stolen some stuff from my car, a story that is completely false.

A lot of other things happened but they're inconsequential...I just wanted to write something to go with my purple picture.

More soon!


Current Mood: artistic
Tuesday, March 14th, 2006
5:42 pm
Sunday is my birthday…

Nothing new, happens every year, but this time I can truly say I’m celebrating it as the real me.

Sure, last birthday was pretty much me also…but not entirely. I’ve come along way in a year. I’m still not where I want to be…but I’m a hell of a lot closer.

I have a lot of reasons to smile.

Thinking about the last year also makes me think about the wonderful friendships I’ve made online, and how far some of the people I know have come in the same time. I’ve watched several girls I know blossom into the women they always were inside…and encouraged a few others not to give up when situations were tougher than they had expected.

I hope that were I in the same position people would do the same for me.

So, in honor of the spirit of friendliness, encouragement, and new beginnings, a topic that should be recurring in my future blogs, I announce this invitation:


You, my dear friends, are cordially invited to my virtual birthday party, celebrating my second year of real life.

Food will be provided, games will be improvised, imbibing is encouraged and indulgence is the rule.

I ask that you bring: Yourself. Feel free to bring friends. The more the merrier.

Please be respectful and courteous to your fellow guests. No peeing in the pool and only spike the blue punch.

That’s the type of birthday I’ve missed. While I’m comfortable spending time alone, on my own terms, I find that there are times where the occasion is best observed with many friends of all backgrounds.

Shouldn’t everyone’s birthday be cause for celebration?


Current Mood: mischievous
Monday, March 13th, 2006
4:34 pm
I'm having a good day today....

While I feel I have accomplished little on my path towards total freedom from work in life I did manage to get a few things done that have been on my mind.

I've also set myself on a course that should lead me down a new path, though I don't know how long it'll take to get to the next step. I just know that it's been a long time in coming and I'm starting to do what I can to hasten the process.

Yeah, I know....I'm being vague...let's just say I like to take things in steps without revealing too much.

I'm ready for change. I want better.

I want to be happy.


Current Mood: determined
4:29 pm
This was a few days ago...just reposting to my LJ.

I went to the bank today, finally...walked in, signed the check, put my thumbprint on it, handed over my I.D. and a major credit card and waited for the inevitable request to please wait while the check was verified.

But that didn't happen...

Instead I was pleasantly told it wouldn't take but a moment. And then he, the very nice and somewhat naive teller at Wells Fargo, asked me this:

"Is *******S ****E*** here with you today?"

I smiled. "Yes. " I said, and smiled bigger, just staring at his eyes. All I saw was complete loss about why I was smiling.

"Um..." he said..."Are you waiting for him?"

"No...that's me. I'm *******S."

Momentary flash of confusion crossed his face followed by understanding. "Oh...okay."

He then asked me if large bills were okay, and I said yes. He counted out the money and smiled again. I got an envelope to carry my new wealth and headed out, a thank you trailing behind me.

I got in my car, drove across the street to the parking lot of the mall closest me and took the picture above. Just me and my Pontiac Grand Prix. I know, the pic of me sucks, but the wind was blowing and I'm out of real clothes and having to resort to the ones you dig up when you haven't done laundry in a while.

Have a great day!


Current Mood: hyper
4:15 pm
The days when time didn't matter so much...
Warning...long story alert!

My first job was at a 7-11. I worked nightshift…and it was a very interesting job. I held it for three years…but that’s another story.

One night while working an evening shift to help out during a time of short-staff my friend Mike came by the store.

“I’m driving to Port Isabel tonight with a couple friends…want to come?”

I did but at first couldn’t recall where Port Isabel is. Well, essentially it’s the tip of far south Texas, it’s the entry to Padre Island, the much-adored home of spring-break visitors from all over the world. The island stretches along the Texas coast, primarily between the Brownsville and Corpus Christi areas.

It’s a 6-hour drive from Austin.

“Sure,” I said, “but I need to finish my shift. I don’t get off work for another hour.”

“I’ll come back right before ten. See ya.”

I spent the next hour in a rather upbeat mood. I watched the clock eagerly.

As promised, right before my shift ended Mike showed back up. We headed to my house and talked about some of the details.

The trip had to be an adventure…neither of us had any real money but the friends we were taking down there (his friends, not mine) had promised gas money, food, and a place to stay on Padre. How could it go wrong?

We gathered some essentials, mainly a towel, drinks and cigarettes, and headed north to pick up Mikes friends.

This is where it gets interesting…

Mike drove a 1977 Nissan 280Z, a two-seater sports car with a hatchback. It was British-racing green and was fun to go fast in. It was not made for passengers, let alone three of them.

Mikes friends were a couple, boyfriend and girlfriend, and a little on the young side mentally. He was the partying type, tall and lean with a goatee and a tendency towards looking unwashed. She was also of the partying variety, long black hair, fairly attractive with large breasts and pale skin, and wore sunglasses at night.

Goody. They occupied the passenger seat, her on his lap. Guess where I sat…

I rode the entire way to Port Isabel, from Austin, under the hatchback of that 280Z. Six hours…actually a bit more, maybe 7, cramped on a blanket with my face two inches from glass and a twisted-neck view of the stars above.

We left Austin a bit after midnight sometime in late March, during spring break, to visit the most popular seasonal destination in Texas. Looking back I can only say the experience was enriching.

Our first stop was just south of San Antonio. For anyone who has ever driven towards the Rio Grande valley you know the place, giant rest-stop in the middle of nowhere, lights up the night about 40 miles south of San Antonio proper. The bathrooms are clean and that’s what mattered.

A couple cigarettes later found us back on the road cruising south at 70mph. All I saw were stars. I did my best to zone out or pretend I was somewhere else, preferably fun, naked and wet. I was quite uncomfortable.

Close to dawn we arrived in the valley and saw a sharp increase in the amount of traffic on the road, vehicles packed even more tightly than ours with half-naked students on break.

It took us only twenty minutes to get onto the island, a short wait at that time. Usually the bridge to the island is clogged with people and the wait could be 40 minutes or more. It was early though.

We drove to a decent beach adjacent to a large hotel and parked. The guy walked to a payphone to call his buds whom we were supposed to be staying with while the rest of us enjoyed a lazy smoke and a stretch. After a few minutes he returned and told us that his friends wouldn’t be home for a few hours and that we would have to chill until then. What the hell…we had a beach right in front of us and a beautiful sunrise over the water…how could anything be bad?

We did our best to hang out, watched the people arrive, sat around on the beach and just relaxed and smoked cigarettes. After a while as the sun got higher we took off our shirts. Consider I didn’t have breasts back then, but I did have shaved legs that day and had worn jeans…I got kinda hot after a while but couldn’t do anything about it.

Towards early afternoon we began to get a little antsy…and the guy we came with was nowhere in sight. He had been having his own party with just about anyone he could hook up with along the beach. It was another hour before he showed up, very intoxicated, sunburned, with his ass-crack just visible above his jeans. He said it would be just a bit longer and to relax and have a good time, get to know people. He was acting like an ass. I think people indulged him just to get him to go away.

I decided to see if my grandmother was home so I stepped in to the hotel and used the payphone to call her. Indeed, she was home and glad to hear my voice. This was back when she still recognized people.


“Hello, lindo, how are you?” I loved the sing-song tones of her voice.

“I’m fine. Listen, I’m down here at Padre Island and we’re here with some friends who are supposed to get us a place to stay. But if something goes wrong could we come stay with you for the night?”

“Of course, lindo, anything I can do.” Lindo is pronounced ‘leen-doh’ and means angel or loved-one.

“Okay, thanks Grandma…that means a lot to me!”

We chatted a bit more and then I told her goodbye. I went back to the beach and told Mike that we had an ‘out’ if things went wrong.

I was glad I had my sunglasses because the sun was intense lying there, surrounded by people having fun, drinking beer and having a blast in the water. I certainly wasn’t having a blast though I wasn’t stressed. Mike was getting annoyed. The girl was getting pissed that her boyfriend was so drunk and kept wandering off with strangers.

It gets a little fuzzy here but finally we found the guy and reminded him that it was about 4p.m. and he had promised his friends would be home. We got him to call again and they were. We gladly pulled up our towels, piled in the car, and drove the few blocks to the house that was supposed to contain our salvation.

We arrived at a two-story wood house, brown shingles all over the outside walls, a decent-enough place to stay while on vacation but you wouldn’t want it as your primary home. Mike and I waited in the car while the guy and the girl went to get the details.

Two cigarettes went by and the burns on our backs from a lack of sunblock were beginning to make us grumpy when the guy finally emerged, still quite drunk, the girl looking a little pissed a few feet from him. He walked over and gave us the wonderful piece of news that we couldn’t stay there. In addition, we still would be without money or food. His idea was to head back to the beach and try and hook-up with people and mooch off them.

Apparently this was the last straw for Mike and he told the guy to ‘get fucked’ and that we were leaving the two of them there, they could find their own way back to Austin. He drove away quite fast, the anger almost visible in the dust that stirred behind us.

We found ourselves back on the main strip by all the hotels and we pulled in somewhere near our original spot and walked back into the hotel to use the phone again, having shade and air conditioning to make our pleas.

I called my grandma and told her all that had happened, and since we were broke and burned we needed help. She offered to help us get a hotel room, something I thought impossible during spring break but she said she’d try and I promised to call back after twenty minutes. That was a very long wait the way we felt, both of us bright red and hungry.

I called her back and she had come through. She got us a room in Harlingen, a ways away from where we were but it would be cool and that’s what mattered. However, they wouldn’t take her credit card over the phone so we were going to have to come get some money from her. This was the most welcome news we’d heard in a long time.

We drove the hour it takes to get to Mission where my grandmother lives, my memory serving us well on how to get there because we had no map and I hadn’t been there since before I could drive even. I looked for a certain overpass by a McDonalds, drove to the next big road, turned left, drove a few blocks up, turned right, turned left again on the correct street, couple more blocks and there was her house, the many cacti decorating every available planter in her yard. I loved that yard so much at that moment.

She opened the door, the sing-song greeting just as I had expected and come to know my whole life, and ushered us in to the best cold air conditioning I think I’ve ever felt. We had been on that beach all day, baking and blistering, and now we were almost shivering…but it was heaven just the same.

We chatted a bit and she rewarded us with the $65 for the hotel room plus fifty dollars cash for incidentals, enough for us to eat and buy gas to get us back to Austin. We were very grateful. Last thing she gave us besides a big wave was a huge bottle of aloe vera gel for our burns. We left smiling and drove to Harlingen.

Our room was small, a big square with a large bed, fortunate because we had no desire to be that close to each other but neither of us cared about the details. The room was non-smoking but we opened a window and smoked by it, a wet towel thrown over the smoke alarm that we couldn’t disable. We left it briefly to visit KFC, Kentucky Fried Chicken and the Colonel’s tasty 11 herbs and spices. A bucket of chicken and some water bottles from a convenience store accompanied us back to the room.

We ate chicken, smoked, rubbed aloe vera on each others backs, watched bad tv and went to sleep.

Morning found us rested though not much more comfortable…our gelled bodies had adhered to the sheets in the night and peeling off wasn’t so comfortable. Fortunately our bright red skin stayed attached to us. We packed up and checked out, eager to get home.

The drive north seemed way easier and more enjoyable, maybe because I wasn’t under that hatchback any more…or perhaps the satisfaction of coming through a tough time well off and well-fed and leaving the negativities behind, whichever. All we knew was that home was calling.

There’s a habit among drivers on long highways such as the one we were on and we practiced it well, that is, trailing behind the person with the radar detector and drive really fast. We made good time this way and the wind rushing by felt good despite probably drying us out and making the burns worse. We were waving at people, laughing at people packed to the roof with clothes and gear, and racing anyone that took us up for it.

Just north of the turn to Corpus we managed to team up with some really attractive women from UT, the longhorn sticker prominently displayed on a couple items in the car. We paced each other, smiling and flirting, occasionally playing leap-frog on the road for the lead spot….and we were definitely making an ‘Austin connection’. I was hoping for a Penthouse outcome myself.

Sadly, after about forty miles of staying close together, we had to pull off for gas. We simply couldn’t wait for the next station, still in the middle of nowhere, and my fantasies of a visit in Austin were crushed. We both lamented our loss but did our best to get over it. Thinking back, I wish we had found a way to get them to pull over with us.

Back on the road I kept my eyes peeled for the girls, and another twenty miles I spotted them at a gas station fueling up. I begged Mike to stop or wait for them but he wanted to get home. I didn’t blame him. We were both very uncomfortable and the drive does take a toll on you, especially with no air conditioning. I said goodbye to the wind and we continued on.

Getting back to Austin, the city never looked so good. Mike took me home, I wished him well and sent him off with the aloe vera bottle. I knew there was some in my bathroom cabinet. We parted and I went inside to relax, glad to be home but still better for having an adventure. Sure, most of it was a trial but that’s what living is about…

Because sometimes you just gotta say, “What the fuck? Live a little…take some chances.”

Thank you Mr. Cruise.


Current Mood: crazy
Tuesday, March 7th, 2006
5:01 pm
I had plenty to share but I couldn't post it all here in time...plus the pictures are necessary to complement what I wrote.

Please visit my 360 page at http://360.yahoo.com/tsaustinmgirl and read my three entries for today...the first of todays three entries could definitely use some feedback.

I'll post them here tomorrow in proper format.


Current Mood: flirty
Monday, March 6th, 2006
8:21 pm
Where's my purpose...?
Okay….let’s recap.

The little stuff:
Finally threw out that stick of mens deodorant after almost accidentally applying it again this weekend. G’bye, Speed Stick, you won’t be missed!

I finally filled my prescription for my tension headache medicine, just in time for me to have a need for it.

Keira Knightley didn’t get the Oscar for best actress, though she would have if the judging was based merely on appearance. Sigh…marry me.

I cracked my hand Thursday night and now I have big purple bruises on my wrist. A doctor friend suspects I might have either bruised it really deep or perhaps gave myself a tiny fracture. It hurts lots, thanks.

Went to the bathroom this morning…found I’d never zipped my fly before leaving the house. Goody. No one noticed I think but you never know.

Oh, btw, how come about 20% of the time I have to wipe the seat, even though I’m now using a restroom where stuff isn’t supposed to be able to splash up or be diverted to that area of the toilet??? What are you women doing in there???

Today I had a new type of perv writing me…guy says he’s a teen, wants to spy on his mom because he hit puberty late, then wants me to see his weenie on his cam. Now, what this says to me is that he shouldn’t breed and I sure hope whatever he has is not contagious. I sprayed Lysol around just in case. I did look though, just to see if he did have a weenie to show…and he did…ewwww….

Well, just finished up at work….came in at 8a.m….and am about to leave at 8:30p.m. Gonna go take the reports to Fedex. Stupid reports…made me smash my thumb and scrape my arm when I took them to my car. I also bumped my knee hard while sitting at a work-table.

Time to head out…if you see a miffed girl with a scrape and a limp somewhere downtown just throw some wetnaps at me and keep walking by. I’m just looking for some purpose.


(blushing at 8:30)

Current Mood: bouncy
Monday, February 27th, 2006
3:05 pm
Something that made me sad Friday...
I am sad I had this conversation. I agonized over it half the weekend. Even worse, I reread it and was sad that I had felt like boasting in the course of it...and wished I'd had nothing to boast about at all. More comments at the bottom.

jenny landis: how often u go to dr?

tsaustinmgirl: Every few months.

jenny landis: hm

jenny landis: i made $85 today on a stock of brazilian gold company

tsaustinmgirl: Is that good?

jenny landis: 85 bux without doin any work? of course its good

jenny landis: so u speak russian?

tsaustinmgirl: I made more than that sitting on my ass here.

I took Russian though I'm rusty.

jenny landis: russia lost to finland in hockey 4-0 that sucked

jenny landis: ya well u aint gonna have a college degree in a year like i will

jenny landis: thats worth a lot of money

tsaustinmgirl: Are you trying to impress me or boast?

jenny landis: both

jenny landis: college graduates make on average twice what non-graduates make

jenny landis: so u can calculate that over 30 years

tsaustinmgirl: Okay. Now that we've done that...what's next?

jenny landis: btw if u sitting on ur ass at work thats not good either

jenny landis: u supposed to wokr

jenny landis: work

jenny landis: otherwise sooner or later somebody will notice that u not doin ur moneys worth

tsaustinmgirl: Hmmm...I don't think you know me that well at all.

jenny landis: so u have sex with guys now

jenny landis: guess not

jenny landis: heheheheeheh

tsaustinmgirl: I haven't in a few months...I've been a good girl for a bit.

jenny landis: maybe nobody offered u

tsaustinmgirl: Actually I get daily offers, and very good ones...I'm just trying to be good for a while. Got tired of being a slut or taking risks.

jenny landis: offers online dont count

tsaustinmgirl: Local friends...I keep in contact with them online...keeps me from using all my phone minutes.

tsaustinmgirl: I'm sorry but it sounds like you're challenging me...and I'm not sure why.

jenny landis: cuz u dont share pics

tsaustinmgirl: And why does that make me a target?

If all you want from me is pics you can be patient.

If you find me worth your time as something more than just an image for some type of gratification please stay.

I don't want to be seen as meat.

jenny landis: well thats part of bein a girl thats what u signed up for

tsaustinmgirl: I didn't sign up anywhere for anything.

Part of being a girl is being smart enough to want better than how a stereotypical horny man sees the world.

jenny landis: u makin no sense

tsaustinmgirl: I don't like your tone with me...how's that?

If you want pics from me you can wait. I told you I would post some when I am ready to. If you can't wait please leave.

If you wish to talk to me like a friend please stay.

jenny landis: so do u masturbate a lot

tsaustinmgirl: That's what I thought.

jenny landis: so did u have a guy cum up ur ass yet

tsaustinmgirl: Let's see...

How old are you?

jenny landis: old enuf to ask these questions

jenny landis: u r just BORING

tsaustinmgirl: Let's put it this way...

I've had so much sex with so many partners of both sexes both sober and on drugs that I find I don't need to prove myself to someone far less experienced than I am. I've done things that put porn stars to shame and honestly I find I'm ready to start respecting my body. I'd like to make my life be both enjoyable and respectable while keeping my wild side along for the right people, rather than the people who just happen to be there.

jenny landis: so u had sex with guys as a guy?

tsaustinmgirl: Yes.

jenny landis: without a condom?

tsaustinmgirl: On occasion, yes.

jenny landis: have u testd for hiv

jenny landis: thats highly dumb btw

tsaustinmgirl: Many times...I've always come back clean. I'd like to stay that way.

I know what I did wasn't always bright. But living wild isn't always the best thing, and living tame isn't always boring.

jenny landis: u r quite a philsophizer

tsaustinmgirl: Or even a philosopher.

jenny landis: no, philosophizer

tsaustinmgirl: Well, I like to think I have a good head on my shoulders.

jenny landis: u use head and shoulders?

jenny landis: that sux, dandruff

tsaustinmgirl: I'm going to say something and I don't want you to take it the wrong way...

You need to grow up. Your ignorant comments display an intellect that barely rises above a first-grader and honestly I find that I want all the time we spent chatting back. I hope you find your true calling in life though I suspect that it lies somewhere around a bathroom in a tijuana whorehouse. Please use the nearest exit from the gene pool and my planet.

jenny landis: ok mister

jenny landis: if i am so stupid how come i am getting a college education and u aint

jenny landis: i fi am so stupid how come i invest in stock market and drive a beamer and live in a million dollar home

jenny landis: ?

jenny landis: and not in heckville tx like u

jenny landis: how come my parnts both have masters degrees

jenny landis: and u cant take a joke?

jenny landis: u r just easy to make fun of

tsaustinmgirl: I'm sorry...this is pathetic and makes the intellectual in me cringe.

Your command of the language is atrocious, your thought processes scare me, and you come off like an MTV wannabe.

Don't continue pleading your case...it's just adding fuel to the fire.

jenny landis: what makes u an intellectual?

jenny landis: do u write scientific papers?

jenny landis: u had unprotected sex with men on drugs

jenny landis: haha

tsaustinmgirl: I suspect you are a product of a similar union.

Please find a new target to hound for pictures for your whore site.


Remember at the start of the conversation her mention of the $85 gain she had from a stock? It wasn't the stock that gained that much, which would be phenomenal, but how much she earned, she claims. Now, why would someone who is living the million-dollar life feel so joyous about an $85 payout? Wouldn't even cover the lunch-hour of the accountant that most people have living that lifestyle.

Sadly, I have done a lot of things in my past that I'm not always pleased with. I try not to regret past actions...but there were times I wish I'd made better choices. I'm fortunate to have come through it with no scars or infections.

At the end of all this, what really bothers me is that she and I used to actually have decent conversation once-in-a-while, and could have if she had either taken the hint or the bold statements I made to change the way she was speaking to me. But she didn't...and now we don't.

I hate losing friends, or people that I considered worth talking to, but I don't want to be treated or seen as something less than what I am. I didn't sign up for any type of negative treatment and I won't stand for it from anyone.

Not anymore.



Current Mood: blah
Friday, February 17th, 2006
4:40 pm
The best feeling...
I had a good night last night…

That doesn’t even come close to how good I felt…I was on cloud nine, or at least cloud eight, smiling like I haven’t smiled in a long time.

What made me smile so???

I went to the scout meeting last night to bring Valerie a bunch of scout manuals and activity guides that I managed to get copies of. I got there, had to stand and wait a while because no one had arrived to unlock the church. We stood around talking about how nice the weather was, the kiddos running around the church buildings in a game of ‘chase’ and waited. Finally Shirley arrived and we went inside but Valerie was late so I waited even more. I felt stupid standing there, everyone getting ready for the meeting, a few of the guys standing nearby comparing cell-phones, watching the parking lot to see if she’d arrive.

I waited about fifteen minutes longer than I had planned on being there.

Finally when I had given up and walked out to my car to leave Valerie showed up.

I walked over to her Explorer and she asked me if I would help her carry in a tote filled with shells and fossils…and I agreed.

She popped the back of the vehicle open and I lifted the rising door…and the tote fell on the ground upside down with a loud tinkling sound. Yikes!

Everything was fine…shells simply sound like that. We carried it up to the church and while headed up there one of the boys asked, “Did you used to be a boy?”

Ugh…they don’t really know me that well though a couple may be old enough to recall me as a man…I simply smiled and said nothing.

We dropped off the shells and came back for the books…and Valerie said, “You really do make a very pretty woman.”

Valerie and I have never discussed my transition, nor have I talked about it with anyone else there…she’s been the first to acknowledge it in any way…and it felt wonderful.

I know…something like this is such a small thing, a few simple words…but it kept me glowing well into the wee hours and lingered into today. It wasn’t just the words…it was the sincerity in them. She was being honest.

I’ve been kind-of down recently, and between that simple statement and a comment I had recently from someone else saying I was doing great I felt very…correct…in my chosen path, something that I knew but it wasn’t making me smile much lately. I think I’m starting to come around though…and I reaffirm that a lot of big changes are in store this year.

For everyone who has wished me well, expressed their interest in my transition, or simply stopped by to tell me something kind…I truly appreciate it. You have no true idea of how much those words mean to me.

Have a good weekend!


Current Mood: ecstatic
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